Anonymous, The New Jerusalem Bible (via kushandwizdom)
Part of me wants to say goodbye to you; it’ll hurt less if we just cut it off now. My head is imploding, my eyes burn and my chest feels heavy. I’m not trying to be romantic when I say I can’t even fucking breathe sometimes when I think about us. I’ve never felt pain like this before. Sometimes i worry that i must be really foolish to feel that you might be worth the pain I’m enduring right now. But you know what scares me even more? That i’ll give up too quickly.
When you told me how frustrated you were with my pessismistic gray worldview and how I carry too much of the burden of people I associate or am close with.. It was very elucidating to hear and I think hearing it from you made me feel… I think I did feel silly at first and melodramatic. While simultaneously I do agree with what you’re saying, and yes you’re right, I do ought to find a balance and I realize that. I think it’s because I’m stuck in this paradox of maybe pretending I should be expecting the worst in people to try to make up for my previous naïveté of always assuming that people have good intentions and also a result of dating someone with severe depression and PTSD. But I am optimistic for the future and know that everyday I am taking steps in growing and thus, I do not wish you to worry too much either. I also do realize what next steps I need to take and know that I am on my way to achieving my passions in my future.. Not likely in California for the near future. So I can continue to challenge myself.
ALso While you tell me you do not want to be a burden onto my life and are therefore careful of what you share in terms of your emotions to me, that is incredibly intentional and thoughtful on your part as always as understandable. But I guess I was a bit frustrated in you saying that because.. I feel like you’ve already given so much to me already and I dont want to suck out your energy as well. I don’t want to take and take while you’re giving so much. Then you’d be sick of me soon for sure. It also makes me sad but def understand it’s realism to hear that you’d cut me out if you thought you were being a burden on me and when you weren’t sure whether you wanted to continue seeing me for the rest of the week or not.
And in terms of you being offensive, you weren’t. You talked real shit. like I know you’d cut me off hella fast if you saw me talking to someone else and don’t want to drag it out though or go out with a Big Bang. It was just right after you told me that you weren’t sure you wanted to even continue seeing me this week or not which made me sad to hear. And what I said about only knowing you a month and thinking I could get over it easily.. I really doubt that. Which is why it is scary for me.
Because as much as you were calling it casual, maybe it’s just me but I feel like this is something that is beyond casual in terms of emotions beng under the guise of being attempted casual due to realistic restraints of time and circumstance. Because the truth of the matter to me is that, what I’m feeling right now is something that I already know isn’t a simple crush. Hopefully I’m not coming off too strong. Because to me, you are intelligent, but not in a conventional way nor do I mean solely book smarts. I admire your consciousness and calculated balanced perspectives that attempt to optimize your capability for something that may be considered the greater good. I like how you balance your emotions and logic. I like your no bullshit attitude, or rather how you carry yourself. I like your humor about shit, like even about collecting money for the advice you give me. I like how careful you are with me and other people, to the point where it astounds me. I like how you do things more than just say them. I admire your balanced ambition with the steady flow of not being in too much rush due to looking at things through a lifelong lens. I do like how comfortable we are with each other. I like your warm hugs, soft kisses, and holding your hand. I like your smile and your laughter, including that awkward laugh you do. I like sleeping next to you and feeling your warmth. And I also like feeling inside you and you feeling inside me, and seeing your facial expression during it. And I like tasting you and seeing your body move to it. you make me happy and I like how you’re contributing to my growth. You’re an incredible person who means very much to me and I’m so happy I have come across you in my life randomly. I value you very much because you are atypically incredible! :) and yes you’re right, we invested hella emotions in each other.. I don’t think that’s casual and can be replaced Or forgotten easily.
But yes, I’ll keep in contact with you afterwards and be open about what is going on and we’ll let it run it’s course, in terms of not dragging it out. I will miss you very much and hope that our paths cross again whether we are some kind of friends or more.
FYI You’re not a burden. I’ll let you know when you are. Middle finger promise?
How’s that for a good morning text?!?!? Baha. Hope you’re having a good morning and enjoy your day.